JohnSmidReflectiveShotB&WFantasyBackgroundThis is the third part in a series I am writing to acknowledge mistakes I have made through the ministry of Love In Action, Exodus International, and the Ex-gay movement and the harm and discouragement that resulted.

I Acknowledge

I taught material on child development theories to groups of parents with a bias towards a developmental causation of homosexuality.

I would often teach that we really didn’t know the cause of homosexuality and that science had not found definitive answers to its origins. However, I confused this message through the content of material I brought to groups of parents.

Teaching child development with an overlay of my own life development I would often relate it to how I believed I had become gay. Since science had not found absolutes, I was arrogant in teaching information as if I knew the origins!

It didn’t translate well to parents

I have always been a person who asked lots of questions about life and experience. Through the years of my own journey I looked for solutions to my own pain and confusion. When I learned about child development theories I found it to be a great way to seek answers to the deeper questions I had been asking about my childhood experiences. I found it helped me to grow in greater understanding of myself.

Since I was in an environment for over twenty years that taught that no one was born gay, then I figured there must be answers that could be found in our childhood experiences. So, I went on a personal quest to lay out a timeline of my life and I attempted to lay child development theories over the top to help me figure things out.

As I did this, it seemed to make sense to me that I had been born neutral and that things I went through had impacted me to develop same sex attractions during puberty. So, I thought, “This was it!” It was the experiences of my life that merged with my chemistry and bingo! I became gay. I have since changed my perspective on this.

The Wrong Assumptions

The deeper problem with this material is that it is very easy to place responsibility on the parents and loved ones of a gay person for their homosexuality. It could be assumed then, if the dad was distant, or the mom over close and too protective, then the blame could be found with the parents! If the neglect or abuse from a parent or loved one, then the gay person could say it was their fault.

As parents and loved ones came to conferences, or counseling weekends at Love In Action, and sadly, many other national events, they would come with grave concerns for those they loved. Child development theories were often taught at these events. In their attempts to seek answers that might “fix” their kids it was very easy for the grief stricken parents to take on unhealthy responsibility for something in their child’s life that many people would call “sin.” Therefore, the parents could go away not with freedom, but with greater burdens like “I caused the sin in my child’s life.”

“John, my parents came to one of the Love In Action conferences and left with such grief that I don’t believe my mom ever got over it. She was concerned about me and said that she felt guilty that she was such a bad parent all of my life. She went to her grave never feeling free from this deep burden.”

Wow, this is serious!

I think child development theories are a great tool to process a person’s life and find some answers. But when it is attached to homosexuality, it can easily be greatly misinterpreted by many who are listening.

Oh, I always prefaced my teaching with clear communication that I didn’t believe a parent caused their child’s homosexuality. One of my statements was , “Don’t be arrogant, you don’t have enough power to create a homosexual child.” But all of my warnings could not forestall a parents sense of responsibility, grief, and desire to repair their child’s homosexual inclinations.

I was asked to speak at a parents conference a couple of years ago after I gained insights about the seriousness of this issue. I told the host that I would not be teaching child development at the conference because I believed it could cause harm to those attending.

Back to the Drawing Board

Since I have been aware of the harmful potential of this material I have been doing some of my own study regarding the origins of homosexuality. I have had my eyes opened up to some amazing new insights.

I have learned that it is highly possible that many of the things that I used to say “caused” a homosexual orientation, may have in fact been a result of being gay to begin with. Things such as a distant father. Was the father distant because he really didn’t understand how to relate to a son who was gay? I think this far more likely.

Or what about an over protective mother? Was she sensitive to her son because she intuitively knew that he was being teased, ridiculed, and set aside because of this unique gender orientation? Most likely.

Did the dad come very close to the daughter because he sensed she needed the nurturing from him that he felt may help her adjust to being lesbian but just didn’t understand what it was all about? Was the mom conflicted with her daughter because she truly couldn’t relate to her daughter’s perspective on life and relationships? I’m sure this was likely the case.

And, is it possible that a dad or mom’s history with same gender relationships created conflicts when they saw a budding gay son, or lesbian daughter. Well, it just may be so.

If I think I have learned anything about all of this, it is that we just don’t have all of the answers. Truly, we don’t know how the mysteries of our development and it’s application to our lives. Some answers come over time, but there are so many other questions that remain.

A New Framework of Life

As I look back on my own life, I can see how my dad tried desperately to relate to me. I have always been unique. I’ve been highly emotionally wired and deeply sensitive to those around me. I am sure my dad shook his head many times trying to figure out how to relate to me. I’ve also always been a very verbal person and process my life on my sleeve. My dad on the other hand, has always been more of a quiet person.

I remember when I was about 10, my parents had just divorced and my dad came to our house around Christmas time. He brought me a car model that he wanted to help me put together. It was a 1/8 scale Jaguar XKE! It was huge! We spent many hours working on it together. My dad knew I didn’t like the normal things like sports, hunting and fishing. He could see I always liked cars. He had struck the right match and we connected. But I am sure that wasn’t the end of my dad’s questions about my life or struggles to understand me.

Honestly, I have always been gay. My homosexuality isn’t anyone else’s fault. It is just the way I am. Now that I have accepted that, the child development material takes on a dramatically different perspective.

I can look at my dad differently. Instead of saying his emotional distance created my gender struggles, I can say it shows me how tough it must have been on him to have a gay son that was so different than any other male relationships he had experienced. My dad’s world was a life with lots of other men at the Post Office. When I entered his world, a unique person challenged him deeply in ways he just couldn’t relate to.

1000’s Mislead

I have attended over 35 Love Won Out conferences all of the country. These are one day events that were produced by Focus on the Family. They were typically attended by anywhere from 500 to 1000 people, mainly comprised of parents. They hosted teachings by psychologists who believed in developmental theories so child development came along with the package. Men and women shared their stories of disconnection with parents in several of the workshops as examples of these theories. Tears of sadness, grief, and an ability to relate flowed from many of those in attendance.

As I stood at my booth, the parents would flood out of the auditorium heading straight towards us with red eyes and Kleenex in their hands. They were full of questions and I handed out hundreds of copies of material that they could take with them that would resonate with what they had just heard.

I don’t think I have ever seen such a large gathering of grieving parents in my life. It was as though they had all lost their children to death and gathered for a common memorial service!

During those years I attended as an exhibitor, thought I could comfort them by helping them to figure out why their kids were gay. I thought, erroneously, that somehow with my great knowledge of child development, I could help them figure it out.

Instead, what was needed was to help them accept their children as they are and to not feel as though they could fix anything, and to realize that they really couldn’t. I have found that at the point where parents accept their children as being gay is really where the authentic relationship begins! The parents find real adult connections that they had longed for, and the children finally feel the love from their parents that they hadn’t perceived was there. This is a win, win situation for all concerned.

Thousands of pamphlets went forth, hundreds of parents left knowing they weren’t alone, but in the end, nothing got fixed. The grief didn’t go away, but may have even gained more power.

God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept…….. A Pathway to Peace

In the end, years later now, when I have been able to connect with some of these parents, they have said, “Oh, I have come to accept my son, my daughter the way they are. We don’t always agree, but we have a better relationship then we ever have. I realized I couldn’t fix them. I stopped handing them books, digging for details, and scraping the scabs of our relationship wounds and we’ve finally found peace. We are all actually much happier and have gone on with life in a better way now.”

What is the way of Jesus?

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 1 Cor. 5:18-21

To read other parts of the “I Acknowledge” Series – Click here