Someone recently asked me:
“John, are you a Christian? If you were to die tonight, do you know where you would go?”
I quickly responded, to not cause any conflict, “Oh yes. I’m good with that.”

The person was a very young person with a bold zeal in their personality, which is probably why they were able to ask me this question especially since they didn’t know me.

After thinking about it for a while, I came up with my response. Sadly, I won’t likely see them again.

Sir, I’m 72 years old. 40 years ago, I went through an intensive evangelism training course. I learned those very questions and approached numerous people with them, just like you have here. I was certain that what I was doing was significant. I believed so strongly about my belief at the time that I was willing to approach a total stranger, like you have today.

Through the years since then, I’ve been a member of numerous churches. None of the churches were the same, and not of the same overall denomination. As I traveled through my life these 40 years I’ve learned a lot. One thing regarding my faith journey is this; not one person has the same belief as another regarding God, Jesus, or their religious convictions.

While some people gather in a church looking like they agree on theology, it’s very likely that most do not agree on many things. They’re not going to be vocal about their disagreements (yes they’ll argue about some things) most keep their differing beliefs private. I’ve known Pastors who don’t even believe some of the things they teach from their pulpits. There is a lot of pressure to agree, or to acquiesce to a group way of thinking for church members and leaders.

I started to take notice when driving around at the diversity of church life in every community. One church believes strongly against women being pastors while the church across the street has a female pastor. One church holds to a belief that once someone is “saved” they can lose their salvation if found in active sin, while another in the area believes that once someone is saved, they are secure. Some believe that God appoints people to be saved and others work tirelessly to get people to make their own free will decision about their spiritual journey.

Some churches affirm gay or lesbian marriage. Some use only a King James version of the Bible. Christians disagree on myriads of things that are really, very significant! Church communities seem to gather with like-minded believers and therefore some strongly held beliefs aren’t challenged within their communities.

I’ve also seen a tremendous amount of certainty in most religious communities. Certainty regarding belief, salvation, interpretation of the Bible, and many other strongly held to doctrines.

So, after an entire lifetime of being involved in Christian community I’ve moved. I’ve moved away from certainty. I’ve moved away from the term “Christian.” I’ve moved away from being in a regular church service routine. I’ve summarized my religious experience this way; “I’m not certain of anything any longer.” I’ve also realized that in my younger years, my certainty brought about serious arrogance from inside me.

I no longer know who or what God is or isn’t. I no longer know anything about life after death. I do not hold to any religious dogma, or doctrine. I don’t tell anyone what God says or doesn’t say about anything. It’s all way to subjective. Subject to human interpretation, to human understanding or experience.

Some would say, “The Bible is inspired by the Holy Spirit.” Well, I used to say that too. That belief takes human responsibility off the plate in many ways. But truth be told, even if the Bible were inspired, infallible, it’s still going to filter through human eyes, human minds, and come out through human mouths. There is a very subjective filter here, and lots of room for, I won’t say error, but a human filter.

I guess in the end, if I were asked those questions again, I’d say, “I’m an agnostic because I have no human way to know who or what God is. God is far too big, and not a human that I could ever understand.” For me, God is not a being, but rather I define God this way, “God is all things, all places, all creation, all connections. God is far too broad, deep, mysterious for anyone to say they truly know who or what God might be.”  I’d also add to that, “No, I do not have any certainty as to what will happen when I die.”