I acknowledge that through over 20 years of ministry with hundreds of men and women there were many misguided elements that were wounding, confusing, and just plain wrong.

But, I also want to acknowledge that it wasn’t all bad. I’ve received some emails and messages from people who have commented on the good things they received from being a part of Love In Action, or Exodus.

Most of the comments I have received from thankful participants have been focused on gaining courage, learning how to build better relationships and improving on communication skills and having more confidence. There have been comments on how much better their family relationships are. Some have told me about the growth away from unhealthy and addictive behaviors. Many have spoken about how they have become closer to God and better understand His love for them.

I often joked that I was a part of the “long term” program, In over two decades of being involved with Love In Action, I grew to become a more mature and healthy person in general.

But I can also say I was wounded, confused, and held hostage to deceptions and misguided truths. I want to share the mix of the things that were good and how my own experience with all of this affected me.

 

I’d like to give some insights as to how all of this affected me personally.

When I became a Christian I had failed at three significant gay relationships and I was in a tremendous amount of pain. I needed something greater than my own mess to show me that life could be better. As I discovered a relationship with Jesus I realized He loved me, heard my heart, and was willing to walk alongside me.

One of the first relationship decisions as a new Christian was to seek out a partner that was a Christian. Within a short amount of time, I met a man who was a godly, giving, healthy young man. He was an amazingly good influence on me. I was now a Christian, I was out as a gay man, I had good friends and a community that loved me right where I was and included my partner. Well, some of them loved him first since some of my friends came along with him. But none the less, after many challenges I was beginning to integrate my life.

 

In short order, our relationship failed because I was not healthy in my heart or in my ability to be a good steward of an intimate relationship. The internal work on my heart hadn’t gotten too far at this point. We walked away from each other and my life felt so empty that I went back to my old connections. I hooked up with an old partner and returned to the bar scene. The pain rushed back along with the depressive feelings I wanted so much to be gone.

I found an escape valve and left my partner. I walked into a singles ministry and a church that seemed to be a good place to land. And, it was in many ways. I was loved by  new friends and my mentor / pastor. I was finding a good place to rest that replaced my hunger to return to the unhealthy relationship I had just left. I knew I didn’t want all of that to be a part of my life again.

Neutral Sexuality

So, it seemed that my sexual desires had been taken away.  The fresh new life seemed to kind of snuff out the sexual drives that had been present. I was comfortable with my new friends for the most part but underneath, I still knew I was gay.

There was little opportunity to talk about being gay other than with a good friend who would listen.  But I wasn’t totally honest with him because most of our conversations were spiritual in nature and I just didn’t lay it all out on the table. He was pretty vulnerable with me and our relationship grew, but I quickly became jealous of his spiritual walk and his heterosexuality.

I became overwhelmed as I struggled  in this relationship which caused some confusion and created barriers to my ongoing growth. I continued to stuff my internal desires in an attempt to be like the others around me. I was very lonely in my heart but honestly I was relieved to not have to deal with having an intimate relationship like the ones I had with the men previous to becoming a Christian.

So, I fully embraced the world of evangelical Christianity. I was taught bible concepts, I was very active in the church community, and I quickly learned the “right and wrong” ways to live. It was very clear from all I was taught that “homosexuality” was a sin. This left me with no options, everything I had buried in my heart had to stay there. I needed to learn how to move on. Move on to what? I didn’t know. But, I assumed it was a better place because that was what I was told it would be.

I was lonely for intimacy and realized that if a same sex relationship was out of bounds, then maybe I should try to find a girl again. So, I met a couple of ladies and dated them. Each one ended badly due to unfulfilled desires for everyone concerned. I felt guilty that my initiative in pursuing them caused all of us further harm.  I met another lady who seemed interested in something more with me but we were primarily involved in group functions within the singles ministry. At one point it seemed the interest grew and we went out together more individually. This worked for a season, but at one point I began to shut down emotionally and closed off.  I struggled greatly with what was going on and felt so guilty that I was causing another painful situation to occur.

Maybe They Can Help?

After about two years I learned about Exodus and Love In Action. I had so many questions about my own life and a hunger to help others so I pursued a staff position with Love In Action. I thought maybe this would be a place to explore what was going on in my heart and I would find others who would understand.

Moving to California to work with Love In Action was a VERY costly endeavor. I had two daughters I was leaving behind that were  just 8 and 10 years old. I owned a home that I had to sell.  I had over $30,000 from a severance settlement from my job. In my desire to find answers to lifelong questions I chose to live on the savings and give everything else up and move 1500 miles away. I felt convicted that this was the right thing to do. It seemed the Lord was in it all since there were unexplainable things that took place in order for all of this to happen. So, I left my children, my family and Nebraska and began a new life.

As I entered into my new home and community, I did find a place we could talk more about things that were going on.  This was very freeing for me because people had such similar experiences and we talked a lot about them. There was a heavy emphasis of “healing” and “change” regarding homosexuality.  Since we were all hurting so much, that was good news! We learned that God loved us so much that He wanted to help us, to change us. So, the emphasis was placed on a hope that God would heal us more, and tomorrow would be better.

When I left Nebraska, the relationship with the girl I was dating remained stuck and I felt by relocating the pressure would be relieved. And it did! But after arriving in California, our communication continued through letters and telephone contact. Since the pressure was less, I opened up more and we remained connected with regular contact. It felt good to have someone who cared about me. It helped me not to feel so alone in my new environment. It also provided something for the folks in the ministry to see that gave them hope for their own “heterosexual” possibilities. So, we remained an “item” and I talked about our relationship with those around me. There was a lot of encouragement to continue pursuing her.

I quickly became very involved in all of the things available through the “ex-gay” network. Conference after conference, teaching, healing prayer, healing seminars, seeking God deeply, fasting, hope upon hope that this (homosexuality) would go away. If it didn’t, we were taught to praise God anyway and continue on the journey.

Changes Came – but not as expected

I began to change for sure. But not as I had hoped. I learned how unhealthy my codependency was and how it had harmed my former relationships. I learned that my behavior choices had caused many problems. I discovered that I had to find autonomy from my wounded family history. I discovered gifts and talents that had been hidden and began to see good things in who I am as a person.

The discovery of healthier communication, forgiveness, and releasing things that held me back – brought a lot of healing to my life. Daily reading of the Scriptures and other books, teaching, and prayer brought me to understand God’s desire to be close to me were all extremely helpful. I grew in leaps and bounds into more of who I was created to be, which was very affirming.

But, my internal struggles with being gay remained untapped and lingered underneath the surface like a looming secret waiting to come out at any moment. We learned to keep this presumed “awful beast” at bay through staying away from temptations that were connected to it. It seemed I had to grasp that my homosexuality was an enemy of my soul and to fear its power to destroy my life.  It was clear that the message was “Don’t have any relationships with people who are “unrepentant” homosexuals.” “Don’t go near gay places or places where gay people hang out.” We believed these things would draw you back and you would slide back into our old ways. As I looked across the bay at San Francisco it had a “dark and luminous sinful haze” surrounding it in my mind. I believed it was the virtual center of everything that was the enemy of my soul.

Oh No,  Here It Comes Again!

Shortly after arriving in California I met a man that struck me deeply. I had felt very lonely and had prayed fervently for a friend. It seemed that this was an answer to my prayers.  I began to pursue a relationship with him. He was a part of our ministry so I felt it was OK to get to know him. The emotional fulfillment that I discovered became a major focus of my every waking hour. I looked forward to talks on the phone, we specially planned Saturday events together and every hug that I could snag was a plus. Praying with him while holding hands was something that seemed to fit within the allowable standards, so I enjoyed that as well.

I called it a good friendship. I searched my heart for areas that might have been inappropriate while both of us continued to hang out together. It opened up a door to my heart that was very hard to close. I was confronted about the relationship being “out of balance.” But I believed that through working the bugs out, it could remain a healthy friendship.

As the relationship continued I fantasized about what it could be if it were to go further, but of course this was far too close to the feared monster of homosexuality so I disciplined my mind to stay away from those thoughts. As a result of the tension within me, conflicts came between us. I felt guilty, jealous and ashamed because it was beginning to feel dangerous. Our leaders called it an “emotionally dependent” relationship and I began the process of repenting of the “idolatry” of the extreme nature of the relationship. All of this wounded both of us deeply. I called him to talk about the ways we were both being hurt and felt it best to not seem him any more. I had to push this away because of the pain it was bringing into my life.

I didn’t want to go back into my old ways! Life back then was painful and I assumed it was because it was “gay.” I didn’t separate the unhealthiness part from the “being gay” part and just lumped them all together. So, I tried very hard to tow the line by isolating myself from anything that might have had a slight growl, or hint of my painful past.

But the secret continued as a hole in my soul. I didn’t feel there was any room to talk about this, so I continued to bury it and go to sleep at night with all of the confusion on my heart while asking God to remove it from my life.

Some More Good Things

I had developed some awesome relationships with people around me. Some of them are still friends today. I developed a good spiritual habit of bible reading, and prayer. I broadened my understanding of theology, church life, and a healthier sense of my part in the overall body of Christ. I learned about my family system and how it affected my development as a person.

I discovered I had a gift for writing, developing teaching outlines, and that I enjoyed public speaking. Computers had just become normal additions to the office environment so I found my aptitude to be self taught in software technology came in really handy! I learned about bookkeeping, office management, and payroll records. I have often said that my experience with Love In Action and Exodus became a practical replacement for a college degree.

I do not regret being a part of Love In Action and Exodus because there were many good things that came out of my roles there. But, none-the-less, I am still sorting out the wounds that remain as a result of some of the perspectives that were taught. And, I am still trying to work out my own homosexuality since I really didn’t get many answers about that within the may years with ex-gay ministry. The answer I taught and believed, was “push it away.”

To be continued: (Part two: More “Good, Bad, and Ugly” to come)

 

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