National Coming Out Day 2021 – Anniversary of life

When I was in high school, all I wanted was to find someone with whom I could have a significant relationship. I met a girl that I was head over heels in love with. I was just 15 years old. She was a very special person. I had no aspirations or understanding of any sexual context for our relationship, I just loved the person she was.

After she broke off the relationship, I attempted to date a couple of other girls then I met Kris. Kris and I had a lot in common regarding our family dynamics and home life. I believed she was one of the only people who understood what I had gone through. We dated, broke up, dated, broke up and finally after graduation we got together, and I mentioned to her that I thought we should be married. Not very romantic. She accepted and we got married.

When I thought of our first night together as a married couple, I was truly frightened to death. I had heard very little about sex but figured it would be something wonderful. But frankly, I had barely kissed a girl and had never ventured into anything more physical than that. I married Kris because we had been together for a couple of years, she was a good person and I knew she’d be a wonderful mother and family companion.

Well, we got married and the plumbing worked as it should. We had two daughters. But again, sexuality for me was still a great mystery. I remained sexually naïve’ and only had been with one person in my life. That was until I met a gay man. Oh, my goodness, that’s it! Much of my relational and sexual struggle surrounded that one facet of my life that had never been recognized, much less explored. I believed I’d finally found the answer I’d been searching for and would settle my life questions.

I realized that I was truly never going to be satisfied or settled if I remained in the marriage with Kris. So, I decided to make the decision to end the marriage. I abandoned my position as a husband to Kris, and a father to my two beautiful daughters. I was 24 years old, selfish, and determined to find life for myself that would satisfy my needs to connect with someone whom I could truly love and would love me.

Through the next four years, I found many disappointments, and some painful relationships. A friend introduced me to Jesus and said I’d find those answers within a committed faith to Him. I believed her, sold myself whole heartedly to a deep commitment to a church and a new faith journey. Within that journey I was taught that being gay was a terribly sinful life and that God had the power and the desire to change me. I wanted very much to be the best dad I could be, considering I’d abandoned my kids I knew I needed to make some radical changes. I believed that my faith and being obedient would bring answers to my heart cries. I committed even more to my faith fearing that any other choice would leave me abandoned by God and most everyone else.

Along the way, I still wanted someone significant in my life. I didn’t want to be alone. So, again, I dated a couple of ladies not finding the “one.” Then I met Vileen. She was special and it seemed we were quite compatible. Through the next couple of years, we dated but I found some deeply discouraging things came about surrounding my inability to truly commit to her and connect fully with a relationship. I figured it was because I was gay and I needed special help to overcome that. I discovered ExGay ministries and trusted that they knew how to help me. So, I believed with their help, and God’s ability, I could marry Vileen and it would work out.

After 24 years of marriage and 26 years of ExGay ministry involvement, I came to the realization that my being gay was not going to change. I was desperate for finding some sort of resolution to my life struggle with relationships and intimacy. I decided to cut the tie to my marriage realizing that most of our life together was rooted in co-dependency surrounding the white elephant of my sexuality and our lack of authentic and honest intimacy. I gave it the most that I knew how to give and, in the end, it was what it was. Some wonderful times, some great experiences, but so discouraging to have a couple who were disconnected in one of the most significant ways.

Finally, coming out a second time, being much older and more life aware, I’ve accepted that I am a gay man, and that’s it. It all began with that statement with I was 24. But I took a long detour to come back again to my truth. Yes, there are many days when I wish I had learned all this much sooner in my life. And yet, throughout my journey, I’ve learned, I’ve grown, and I’ve discovered many wonderful things. I’ve met some tremendous people along the way whom I continue to know and love. There are others who have deeply let me down and wounded my heart. But in the end, life is what it is, and my journey has led me to this place in time.

I am so much closer to my original desire in life. I feel connected to life. I feel connected to loving people. I feel deeply connected to my wonderful husband, Larry. I’m feeling more connected to my daughters than any other time in my life. I love them deeply and feel saddened that my journey led me away from them for so many years.

Today, on this Coming Out Day, I realize that I came out, I was coming out, and I will come out, day by day; year by year, until my dying day. It has been a series of decisions for me, a series of life openings.